Parents: Don’t Give Your Child Too Much Self-Esteem

“…. You can do anything you put your mind to.” “If you want it bad enough, that is all that matters”.  It is statements like these that parents are told to tell their children, and statements like these that parents need to stop saying to their children.

During the 1960’s and 1970’s, a movement in parenting happened. All of a sudden the idea of promoting self-esteem to your child became “the thing”, and it has been with us ever since. The problem is however, we now are seeing generations of kids who are stubborn and want to think that they are great at everything. We have made it a sign of personal weakness to admit that you are not good at something and to quit, even though sometimes it may in fact be the best thing.

To drive this point home I will use myself as an example. I grew up in a family that was employed in the medical field. Not only was I expected to grow up and become a physician, but I was told that as long as I work hard I would be able to in fact gain that coveted admission spot to a reputable medical school. Growing up with this mind set enabled me to ignore my true talents and also to ignore my weaknesses. While I was drawn to the medical field and the idea of being able to help people on a daily basis, the reality was that I was not hard wired in my brain to be the stereotypical successful pre-med student. Sure, I graduated high school a year early and with honors, but high school is different than college. All of a sudden you are expected to think critically (which they don’t teach you in our public school systems…but that’s a different rant) and there is competition.  For me though, the challenge was to admit to my weaknesses and to embrace my strengths.

After many wholehearted attempts at the whole science and math pre-med route, I finally admitted to myself that those were not my strengths, although I wanted nothing more than to be a doctor. I would spend hours upon hours studying on my own, with study groups, tutors and even at professors office hours to (if I was lucky) pull a C or (if I was very lucky) a B on an exam. Meanwhile, subjects like psychology came to me very easily and naturally like the kids I envied in my science and math classes. On top of all this, most of my friends who were in medical school or in or finished with their residencies were miserable. A friend of mine said, “I spent countless dollars and years to learn how to do CPR, a basic neuro-exam and write referrals.” The idea of busting my ass to somehow (however unlikely it was) get into medical school and be miserable scared me to death.

It was also during this time of introspection that I began to admit that I have a talent (and passion) for psychology. The way the mind and brain works fascinates me, which is why I was drawn to medicine. I had planned on being a neurologist until I found out what being a physician really means. In my circle of friends, I have always been the one that people come to talk to when they are having any kind of problem. I was feeling scared and confused and lost. I began to do research and found the field of neuropsychology. It was like this field was custom made for me, my two favorite things blended into one. I am now very contently pursing this as my future career.

After going through the painful discovery process that what you love you may not be good at or able to do, I noticed that I felt less stressed and overall had a less negative view of things.

So mothers and fathers, it is time to let your children know that it is ok to not be great at everything, it is ok to know and acknowledge that you have a weakness. If we could start engraining this trait into our children, I think we would see happier and more productive individuals and a better society.

But what do you think? Do you think we encourage too much self-esteem to the point of delusion in our children? Comment and let me know what you think!!