A Kwik Beer Run

Apu Nahasapeemapetilon runs a Kwik E Mart where he has to deal with all sorts of people including children looking for a sugar rush, adults picking up a pack of beer, and robbers who just want to clear out the cash register.  Moe Szyslak is the bartender at Moe’s Tavern and typically deals with adults who just want to escape from their families, prank phone calls, and the occasional illegal fight club.  Both are citizens of Springfield and characters in the television series The Simpsons.  Both typically work alone all day but have drastically different personalities.  Moe is lonely, depressed, and wants to kill himself but has had no luck so far.  Apu was a happy bachelor but is now a happy father of 8 and husband to Manjula.  What if Moe and Apu were to switch professions?  Would Apu start becoming depressed when he is surrounded by drunks?  Would Moe become happy when most customers at the Kwick E Mart do not stick around to talk to the clerk?

It is safe to assume that even if Apu was to work at Moe’s Tavern, he would still be married to Manjula.  I can make this assumption because his martial fate was decided when he was a child.  However he may not have 8 children because his sperm count probably would have gone down after inhaling any fumes at the bar (which at Moe’s Tavern could include cigarettes or paint that is trying to pass off as milk).  If Apu went sterile the chances are that he and Manjula would want to adopt a child.  Instead of going overseas, the Nahasapeemapetilon’s would probably adopt a white orphan perhaps the two that always seem to have a cough.  Now with a family and a business, Apu could still be happy except most people at the bar are depressed.  No matter how happy Apu may want to be, the people who surround him at work would cause him to become depressed.  This depression would then spread to his family and Manjula would then leave Apu for his brother Sanjay.  Apu would then fall futher into a depressed state.

Moe is not happy and anytime a little bit of happiness comes towards him, it is taken away like when Homer decides to be more of a father to Maggie leaving Moe with a potato sack.  Moe would be alone at the Kwik E Mart as most people would try to get in and out with their purchase.  This would only foster Moe’s depression.  The only problem is that Moe is working at a Kwik E Mart in Springfield.  When Springfieldians go to the Kwik E Mart, they often want to talk to Apu or take their time shopping so much so that Apu often tries to kick them out.  Moe however is so lonely that he would welcome any sort of contact that is positive.  He also would be catching people when they are happy as most things at the Kwik E Mart are filled with fat and sugar which gives a rush of serotonin.  This happiness would catch on and maybe he would have the courage to ask out the Squishee lady.

Apu only started working at the Kwik E Mart because he needed to pay off his student loans to Springfield Heights Institute of Technology where he holds a Ph. D in computer science.  As Apu’s life begins to fall apart from working at the bar, he would start to work with computer’s again in the hopes to improve how people consume music online with his contacts he made when he was a member of The Be Sharps.  This would allow Apu to gain a fortune, close the bar, and win back Manjula.  Moe would start to see that he hated the fact that in return for all the nice human contact he gets at the Kwik E Mart that he has to be nice all day.  Moe would then set up a fight club in the back of the Kwik E Mart so that he could be mean again.  Enjoying the fact that he loves loneliness, Moe would then sell the Kwik E Mart and go back to his old life at his bar.  Apu would probably become bankrupt  at this time because Professor Frink found a way to actually input music straight into the brain.  Apu would only have enough money to get back his old life at the Kwik E Mart.  Manjula would stay with Apu this time because Apu would be happy working at the Kwik E Mart, passing along his feelings to her.